Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
