Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
