she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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