There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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