Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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