Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I have post one night stand depression
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