She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
