i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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