Moan for me like Helen Keller
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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