Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
