Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
