Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
my liver is dry heaving
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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