I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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