I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
