Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
