Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
