She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize