When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Never underestimate the power of titties
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
