It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
