Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
