Please, let me fuck your mom
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
