And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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