If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
