oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
no, he came in my armpit
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
