whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
