I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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