He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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