someone threw a dead crab at me
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
