got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
