Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
