4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You don't make any sense
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