you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
MIDGETS
????
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
