If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
