His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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