i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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