I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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