i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
stop calling my apartment porn island.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
