I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
