So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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