Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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