its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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