watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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