My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My room smells like vodka and shame
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
