Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
