So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You're like the curious george of whores
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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