last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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