i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
