I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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