it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
