Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He literally asked permission to hit on me
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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