Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
