you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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