A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize