You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Farmville is her only friend.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
