Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
