Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
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But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
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