Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
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I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
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It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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