please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
