I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Randomize
