When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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