You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
