I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
