I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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