Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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