Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
