I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I smell stomach acid.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
