Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
